A Season Of Grief

What I have learned over the past five years is that every passing is followed by a period of grief. I have certainly had my fair share of loss to deal with. I was still reeling from having been unfairly fired from my job, when my mom became ill. I was adjusting to the changes that my mom’s turbo cancer had brought about, when my son died. I was devastated by the death of my son, when my mom passed away.

For a brief moment, I was grateful for her suffering having ended. Then, I was overcome by anger and sorrow. It has now been two years and four months since my mom died, and I am still outraged. I am still heartbroken. But it is not the same as it was. My heartache feels manageable now, and I no longer wish to lash out in anger.

For me, the pandemic was a season of profound loss. I am not alone in my grief. Outside the so-called global elite, we all suffered damage. We lost our sense of safety and security. We lost our illusion of freedom and unity. We lost our friendships and our relationships. We lost our way of life.

We have lived through a period of collective grief, which explains all of the fear, anger, hatred, sorrow and vitriol that continues to be expressed through social media and in our daily interactions. When we are overcome by grief, we project our negative emotion out in every direction, not knowing where to turn or whom to blame. When personal emotional torment feels endless, it is difficult to recognize the suffering of others.

So, we blame each other. We lash out with our actions and our words. We have experienced what we have perceived to be personal attacks, when what we have actually lived through is a collective expression of profound loss.

I have fought against invisible enemies for a long time now. I thought that I could write my story, expose the system and improve the world. But the system is so much bigger than my anger that my words barely made a dent. I have confronted evil with animus and rage, while the only real weapon that I ever had was love.

My emotional outbursts have been a clear sign of my having fallen prey to the tactics of my enemy. They are not trying to destroy my life. They are trying to destroy my afterlife. This is a battle for our soul.

I am tired of fighting. Lately, I have spent much of my time in prayer. When my mom was sick, I felt a deep connection to God and heaven. I haven’t felt that way since. The strong negative emotion that I experienced through my prolonged grief blocked my ability to access my spirit.

We are spirit. We are soul. We are meant to rise above the chaos of man and to find peace amidst the destruction. This fallen world is not important. It is heaven that must be protected. Those who feel that they are powerful enough to massacre and consume the human race are so far beneath us that they are like insects.

They are less than insects. They are vacuous bodies, devoid of spirit. They want us to hate them because our animosity toward them provides to them a sense of power. They ought to be pitied. They have become worthless to God, and their eternal suffering will be profound.

This is a war, and we face a formidable enemy. Its goal is to darken our spirit. Their desire is to blacken our soul. To fight against them, we must simply realize who we are. We must walk through our life with kindness and care for our fellow man. When we free ourselves from the anger and the heartache, we become the angels. We become the light, and light always overcomes darkness.

My Story:

Dear reader,

I do not believe that one can live to be my age without having had one’s heart broken. My heart has been shattered into a million tiny shards. Before the year 2022, I had not known that I was strong enough to withstand severe trauma and profound loss. While I Pam not the same person who I had been before that year, I did survive. I am still here, and I have a story to tell. To write it, I had to tear my heart out and throw it across the page, over and over again. My pain is a gift that I give to you.

I promise you that, if you have a heart, it will break. It will force you to feel the ache of the loss that we have all sustained. What the world needs right now is less comfort and more genuine, frank, heartfelt, unfiltered, uncomfortable emotion. As it turns out, ease is the most dangerous addiction of them all.

We were sent to this magnificent planet to spend our life preparing, spiritually, for our death. The earth is an exquisite, glorious paradise, but it seems that, sometimes, we must first see the ugly before we can truly appreciate the splendor. And there is a great deal of beauty to be found here. Pain and suffering exist, but joy and laughter exist, as well. There are so many reasons to keep fighting.

My book is about the American medical system and the ethical implications of its significant financial gain being dependent on the general ill health of the population. However, it is also about something far more important than that. It is a true story about pain, suffering, family, friendship, community, faith, love, transcendence, God and heaven.